chapter Seven
A kiss on my cheek woke me up. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Brett whispered.
When I opened my eyes, I saw he was crouched down on the floor next to me. “Hey,” I said sleepily.
“The wedding is not until later this afternoon, so if you don’t have any big plans, there’s somewhere I’d like to take you.”
“Does it involve a garden?”
Brett smiled. “What would make you say that?”
“Just call it a hunch.”
***
A short time later, we found ourselves standing in front of the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum.
“Have you been here before?” I asked as Brett paid our admission fees.
“Once, when I was a kid. My parents took me here. I still remember seeing a javelina. It was my first and only time.”
“I was not so fortunate. Being nearly a decade younger than my two siblings, by the time I appeared on the scene, my parents were fairly apathetic towards child rearing. It was a been-there-done-that parenting style. So, my parents didn’t take me here when I was a kid. They really didn’t take me anywhere because by the time I came along, they had already seen practically ever tourist attraction in Arizona and apparently had no desire for an encore performance with me.”
Brett leaned over and placed a kiss on my cheek. “Well, I am far from apathetic when it comes to showing you new gardens, although this is more of a nature preserve with both plants and animals. I think you’ll enjoy it.”
The first thing Brett dragged me to see was the sea otters in the Riparian Corridor. He was like an excited boy on a school trip and I have to admit, his enthusiasm was contagious.
“And this is the Cat Canyon,” Brett said as he showed me the bobcats.
“If I ever move back to Arizona, I’m definitely planting some of these in the backyard,” Brett said as we looked at the prickly pears in the Cactus Garden.
“Are you considering moving back? What about your job? And your townhouse?”
“I love Palo Alto and I don’t want to move back but my dad’s getting older and he’s by himself, so that does concern me. I’ve been trying to get him to retire out to California but he says it’s too expensive and he can’t afford it.”
I had never given a second thought to what would happen to my parents when they retired. I guess having two older siblings made me feel like I had less responsibility for them. Not that they would ever ask for me to take care of them. I think they’d rather rot away in a nursing home than do that.
“How come your dad never remarried?” I hoped the question didn’t sound too forward but I was curious. From what Brett said, his mother had been gone quite a while.
“I don’t think he’s ever really gotten over her death. They were high school sweethearts and from the stories I heard, neither one of them dated very much before they started dating each other. I don’t think my dad had much experience with other women.”
Like father, like son, I thought but I kept the comment to myself. It made me wonder in what other ways Brett was like his father. When I glanced at Brett, he looked deep in thought.
“Want to take a little break and sit by the prairie dogs.”
I nodded. The prairie dogs were adorable and I probably could have watched them playing for a while but I sensed Brett had more to say to me.
Brett and I took a bench not very far from the prairie dogs habitat but far enough away that we had some privacy from other sightseers.
Brett could talk for days about nearly any topic but now he was being unusually quiet.
“What’s going on?” I playfully knocked into his shoulder with mine. “Come on, spill. What did I do to piss you off this time?”
Brett looked at me with a serious expression. “Why do you put yourself down so much?”
“Self-deprecation happens to be flaw number one hundred and eleven.”
“Please stop. There’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t always agree with the choices you make but that doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“Tell that to my parents,” I shot back a little too forcefully.
“I don’t know your parents; but from what you’ve told me about them, it sounds like your life growing up was less than idyllic. I get it. Mine wasn’t always a rose garden either.”
That surprised me. Brett was so perfect, I just assumed he grew up in some kind of ideal Brady Bunch clone of a household.
Brett took in a deep breath and then said, “Not many people know this because my dad did everything in his power to hide it but my mom was an alcoholic.”
That hit me like cold water splashed in the face. As surprised as I was by the admission it now made sense why he was so adamant about not drinking.
He continued, “Remember when I told you my mom died in a car accident? She had been drinking the night she died. She drank a lot. She always did for as long as I can remember. My dad later told me there was a name for what she was. He called it a functional alcoholic. Most people couldn’t see how sick she was. She still took care of me, the household, and my father. But she always did it with a drink in her hand. And on the weekends, it was more than a few. The only time she didn’t drink is when she was in her garden. It was like her refuge. That may be the reason I liked to go out there with her so much and spend time with her there. Those times in her garden, I felt like I had 100 percent of my mother. When she was drinking, she was maybe 60 percent there. The other 40 percent of my mother disappeared in the bottom of a wine glass.”
I could feel myself shrinking and it was becoming difficult to breath. I thought about all the major mistakes I had made with Brett and they seemed to involve me being drunk. I felt like a complete a*shole.
It was much clearer now why he had asked me to stop drinking. He saw what it had done to his mom. Was he trying to save me because he couldn’t save her?
For the first time in my life, I actually thought about what my life would be like if I stopped drinking. So much of my life had revolved around drinking and for so long, it almost seemed like second nature. Just like I wouldn’t consider going outside without shoes on, I wouldn’t consider going out without drinking.
Of course, Brett didn’t drink and he was becoming a large part of my life. We didn’t drink at all the entire weekend I spent with him and I didn’t miss it.
“I think I want to try to stop drinking.” Even though I said the words I could feel the hesitation in my voice.
Brett grabbed my hand in his and looked at me. “I don’t want you to stop because of what I said about my mom. And I don’t want you to stop for me. The only reason you should stop is because you want to stop.”
I considered what Brett said. What if there were a number of reasons to stop? How could I separate them? Maybe I wanted to stop because Brett wanted me to. It was rattling my brain.
“I want to try. I’m telling you upfront, I don’t think it will be easy. I’ve been drinking since I was twelve and most of the time, I like the way it makes me feel.”
“What about after we slept together and you didn’t remember it? How did that make you feel?”
That was harsh but the truth often was.
“Not very good,” I admitted. “No, that’s not true. I felt like complete and total dog shit.”
Brett nodded. “Was that the first time something like that happened?”
“Something like what?” I countered. I knew damn well what he meant but I wanted to make him spell it out for me. He would have to say it if he wanted me to give him an answer.
He looked me dead in the eye and said, “When you had sex with me and couldn’t remember, was that the first time or were there other times you had sex with a guy and couldn’t remember being with him? Were there other times you woke up next to someone and couldn’t remember who they were?”
I gulped. There were others. Many others. Too many others. More than I was willing to admit. I nodded. “There were others. You weren’t the first.”
“And how did that make you feel? How does it make you feel now sitting here next to me admitting it?”
I tore my hand away from Brett’s. “It makes me feel like a slut. Are you happy? Is that what you wanted to hear? Is that what you wanted me to admit?”
He grabbed my hand again and even though I tried to pull it away he wouldn’t release his grip on me.
“Let me go,” I demanded.
“No,” he said firmly.
“But why?”
“Sorry, Anna. You’re not getting away that easy. I want you to face what you’ve done and understand it. But I also want you to know that it doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t make you unlovable.”
I felt completely and totally unlovable and I had for as long as I could remember. “Yes, it does,” I sighed.
He shook his head. “No, it doesn’t. I’m still here. I’m sitting right here by your side. And I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re not very smart for a rocket scientist.”
That got a half smile out of him. “And why do you say that?”
“You managed to pick up what could be the most flawed and damaged girl on the planet and you still want to be with her. That completely defies logic. Surely, someone with your knowledge and IQ can see that.”
“Of all the plants in the nursery at Target, you ended up with Marvin. Why is that?”
“They were getting ready to throw him away. He needed me. He needed someone to take care of him and bring him back to life.”
Brett didn’t say anything else. He just leaned over and gave me a soft kiss.
“Come on,” he said. “There are a few more things I want to show you before we head back to the hotel to get ready for the wedding.”
***
“How about if I come back to get you in an hour? Does that give you enough time to get ready?” Brett asked as we both stood outside my hotel room. I was staying on the first floor with the rest of the wedding party and Brett had a room on the third floor.
“Okay,” I agreed.
Brett gave me a kiss on the cheek but things still felt a little strained since our conversation sitting next to prairie dog exhibit. It made me wonder if Brett was regretting starting, whatever this was, with me. I couldn’t really call it a relationship. I wasn’t sure what was going on between us but I knew Brett was making me examine parts of myself that I had never examined, forcing me to deal with my shit and challenging me in ways that I had never been challenged before.
At least the bridesmaid’s dress I had to wear this time wasn’t completely hideous. It was a little sapphire cocktail dress that actually looked decent on me. If nothing else, Brett would find me physically attractive. At least I hoped he would. He didn’t exactly act like other guys. I had a lot of experience with guys and Brett didn’t act like any other guy I had ever been with. It was unnerving that I couldn’t predict Brett’s behavior the way I could with other guys. Most guys thought with their small heads; Brett always used the one attached to his neck.
Once my dress was on and hair and make-up were perfect, I had a few minutes before Brett was due to pick me up. I paced around the room trying to burn off some excess energy. I didn’t know what to expect later tonight. Since I was a member of the wedding party, I got a room reserved for me. Not that Brett had suggested we got a room together or that I share his room. That was a little disappointing. Maybe he still had doubts about me. Not that I could blame him. I could certainly understand him wanting his own space just in case.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I breathed a small sigh of relief that he actually came back to get me. When I opened the door, seeing Brett shocked me. He looked so sharp in his suit, which was fitted to his lean muscular body quite nicely. He looked kind of hot and I was surprised when my body reacted and I got a little tingly inside.
“You look amazing,” Brett said as he took me in. He looked at me the same way I had seen him look at some of the most precious flowers in his garden, with reverence and adoration. It was a look I hardly felt I deserved but most definitely wanted. He placed a soft kiss on my lips. “We’d better get going. I don’t want you to be late for the ceremony.”
Ten minutes later, we were at the church. Brett leaned down and whispered in my ear, “I’ll see you at the reception.” Then he gave me a quick kiss. “Be good.”
“I’m always good,” I said and winked at him.
That brought out a smile. I loved to see Brett smile. Especially when I knew he was smiling because of me.
I joined the other two bridesmaids in a small dressing room and saw that Olivia was having trouble getting her veil set. Olivia’s mom looked exhausted and feed up already and the ceremony hadn’t even started yet.
Paige and Molly rolled their eyes when I joined them. They indicated the bride. “She’s completely freaking out,” Paige said.
“Freaking out is an understatement,” Molly added. “She’s totally lost it.”
I put my hand on Olivia’s shoulder. “Can I help?”
“Can you fix this stupid thing?” she snapped and pointed to her veil, which was a bit askew. I tried my best to straighten it.
“It just doesn’t feel right,” she moaned. “Is it straight?”
“It looks straight to me.”
Olivia looked like she might break into tears at any moment. I wasn’t sure if I should say anything else. I didn’t want to push her over the edge.
“How do I know I’m not making a big mistake?” she asked. I wasn’t sure it was a question I was supposed to answer but I did anyway.
“You don’t. I guess you just have to have faith that things will work out.”
She thought about it for a minute then she hopped down from the stool upon which she had been perched. She took in a deep breath. “Okay, I’m ready.”
Her mom breathed a sigh of relief. The other two bridesmaids glanced at each other and rolled their eyes again. I didn’t know them very well but I didn’t remember them being that bitchy when we were in college.
I could hear the faint sound of the wedding music begin to play. Olivia glanced at me and smiled. “I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s do this.”
I was paired with a groomsman, who I vaguely recognized from college. He had been in a few of my classes. I thought his name was Matt. With my heels on, we were about the same height. He definitely wasn’t someone I found attractive. He was a bit in the pudgy side and had a ruddy round baby face. He kept looking at me like I was a piece of meat he wanted to devour. When we lined up with the other bridesmaids and groomsmen, he leaned over and whispered into my ear, “You look beautiful.”
“Thanks,” I said trying to be polite but I didn’t look at him.
“I’m Matt, by the way.”
“I know.”
“You remember me?” He seemed surprised.
I didn’t respond. I could see he wanted something that wasn’t even a remote possibility and I didn’t want to lead him on.
“Can I get a dance at the reception,” he said quickly as we all headed toward the isle.
“I’m with someone.”
“You mean like a boyfriend?” He sounded even more surprised. That pissed me off.
“Yeah, like a boyfriend.”
“Is it Joey Vincetti?” Now he was really pissing me off. I wanted him to just shut up because we were headed into the church.
“No, it’s not Joey.”
“Who is it?” He pushed.
“You probably don’t know him.”
“Try me.”
“Brett Conner.”
“Clown hair?” he said a little too loudly. I was furious. “What the hell are you doing with clown hair? You’ve got to be shitting me.”
I glared at him. “Are you ready to march down the aisle or what?”
He shook his head like he still couldn’t believe what I had just told him.
As Matt and I headed down the aisle, I scanned all of the pews to see where Brett was sitting. He was seated near the center of the church and close to the aisle. His eyes were on me when I walked by and I gave him a big smile. He returned the gesture.
The ceremony was like every other ceremony I attended. Pachelbel’s Cannon. The lighting of the Unity candle. The vows. Then we all marched back and suffered the receiving line and took a shitload of photos.
When all of the formalities were completed, I noticed Brett standing near the parking area, obviously waiting for me.
“You could have gone to the reception,” I said as I approached. “You didn’t have to wait for me in the parking lot.” I gave have him a quick kiss on the cheek.
He surprised me by pulling me close and giving me a passionate kiss. It was a kiss that said you’re mine and I want you right now.
“Wow,” was all I could say when we gasped for air.
“I’ve been waiting to do that since I saw you in that dress.” He looked me up and down. He had so much desire in his eyes it made my heart skip a few beats. My withered heart was blossoming in a big way.
“Why didn’t you kiss me like that earlier?” I asked.
“I didn’t want to mess up your make-up. I knew you’d be taking photos and I know how important those photos are to the bride.”
I wondered whether he knew that from personal experience when he and Sweater Vest were engaged. I had no idea how far their wedding plans had gotten before she broke things off.
“Ready to head to the reception?” Brett said as he grabbed my hand and we were off.
Brett and I entered the reception hall still holding hands. The place was lavish and ornate. Olivia’s family had spared no expense on the venue. There was even a Champagne fountain, which was a first for me, even though I had been to lots of receptions.
Brett noticed me eyeing the fountain. “Pretty isn’t it?”
I nodded.
“Do you want something to drink?” Brett asked. I could hear some hesitancy in his voice. The moment of truth had arrived more quickly than I wanted.
“Maybe a Sprite or 7-Up. Whatever they have,” I said as casually as I could. When I looked up at Brett he was staring at me. “Decided to be good?”
“I’m always good,” I said.
“That you are. I’ll be right back.”
I looked at the Champagne fountain again. Lights underneath the bowl made it sparkle pink and emerald. I stiffened when I felt someone come up close to my back.
“Hey, Beautiful,” a familiar voice said. It was Jason Richards. He was standing so close to me I could feel his breath on my neck. I gulped.
I guessed he was on a break from Jennifer but I asked anyway. “Where’s Jen?”
“Not here,” he said. He tucked a stray hair behind my ear. I tried to step away from him but he grabbed my arm. “Where are you going?”
I searched the room for a sign of Brett and I spotted him on the other side of the reception hall at a small bar. It looked like he was waiting for the bartender to get our sodas poured.
“I’m here with someone,” I said.
Jason laughed. “What do you mean, like a date?” He sounded incredulous. Why was it so difficult for everyone to believe that I had a date for the wedding? Jason got close to me again. “Baby, I thought you liked to play the field. I thought you’d have a little time to play with me tonight.”
I tore my arm from his grasp. “What part of I’m here with someone didn’t you get?” I almost shouted. A few wedding quests actually turned to gawk at us.
By this time, Brett was on his way over with two sodas in his hand. He handed me one and then noticed Jason standing next to me. “Hey, Jason,” Brett greeted him. He obviously hadn’t seen or heard what had been going on between us but I was surprised he couldn’t feel the tension that still hung in the air.
Jason looked at Brett with utter disgust. “You’re with Clown Hair? He’s your date? You’ve got to be kidding me.”
When I looked at Brett, his expression was neutral but I could see some pain and hurt in his eyes. I decided to do something to drive the point home that I was most definitely with Brett and Jason could stew in it. I gave a quick glace to Jason to make sure he was still watching and he was gawking at both of us, like he couldn’t believe I’d ever consider Brett over him. I gave Brett the most seductive look I could muster considering we had an audience and the anger that was raging inside of me. I caught Brett’s gaze and continued to stare into his beautiful green eyes as I placed my hands on his chest. I ran my hands seductively up his chest, still staring into his eyes, then I placed my hands on his face and pulled him in for a kiss. I kissed Brett like I had never kissed anyone in my life. I kissed him like there was no one else in the room with us and I was ready to eat him whole. He grabbed my ass and pulled me in close. He took over and practically devoured me. I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didn’t care. I wanted to make a point. I wanted all the bullshit questions and cheap shots to stop. I wanted everyone to know that not only was I with Brett, I thought he was sexy as hell and that I wanted him.
When we came up for air, I was ready to take Brett upstairs and rip his clothes off. I was turned on beyond belief and I was sober. That was a first.
There were a few hoots and several people applauded our public display of affection. Brett didn’t take his eyes off of me. When I looked over at Jason, his mouth gaped open and he was speechless.
I grabbed Brett’s hand and said, “Come on. Let’s sit down at our table.”
I led Brett over to the table we were sharing with the other two bridesmaids and their dates. I breathed a sigh of relief that Jason was seated at another table on the other side of the reception hall.
“I remember you,” Paige said when Brett and I sat down. “You were a math tutor, weren’t you?”
Brett nodded.
Molly poked her head into the conversation. “Didn’t everyone call you clown hair?”
I was really starting to hate that moniker. It may have fit Brett when he was 18 but it was obvious it no longer fit 23-year old Brett. I glared at Molly and she just rolled her eyes at me. It seemed to be her default facial expression.
Two good-looking muscular guys joined us at our table, obviously Paige and Molly’s dates. I recognized the guy, who sat with Paige. His name was Vic. I hooked up with him a few times in college. I avoided his gaze hoping he wouldn’t remember me.
“Hey, Anna,” Vic said using a voice that was way to seductive for the situation we were in. “You’re looking hot as ever.”
Paige gave him a well-deserved shot on his shoulder. “Ouch,” he said rubbing the spot she punched. “What was that for?”
“That was for practically throwing yourself at Anna,” Paige hissed. “Can’t you see she’s with someone? And, by the way, you’re supposed to be with me.”
Vic gave Paige a quick peck on the cheek. “I know, Babe. I’m right here with you.”
Then Vic turned his attention to Brett. “Hey, Man.” He gave Brett a lazy half-wave. “I’m Vic.”
“I know,” Brett said. “I tutored you in math.”
Vic gave Brett another more focused glance. “Dude that was you? I didn’t recognize you without the hair.”
Paige put an arm around Vic’s shoulder as she kept her eyes trained on me. She was clearly marking her territory. As if I had any interest in Vic. Been there; done that. He wasn’t all that great, Honey.
The other guy had taken a seat next to Molly. He seemed a bit more reserved that Vic. I noticed he was staring at me, though. After a moment, he pointed a finger at me.
“Do I know you?” he asked. He was still staring at me.
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
He wasn’t convinced. “I know I know you.”
Molly was now glaring at me. So, I hooked up with a lot of guys. I never lied or cheated on anyone. I was always a single girl out having some fun.
“Anna was very popular,” Molly said emphasizing the word popular like it was a disease. What she really wanted to say was that I got around. She continued, “You probably saw her at parties.”
The guy shook his head. Then, when he said, “Where’d you go to high school,” I knew he wasn’t going to drop it.
“Tempe,” I said matter-of-factly.
He considered this for a minute. “Ever hang out with kids from Mesa?”
“Sure.” I hung out with kids from lots of schools. The Valley was a big place and there were lots of schools with lots of kids.
“I was the quarterback for Mesa Prep,” he said.
Of course, Casey Crawford. He had filled out even more since high school and his hair was a lot longer and a little darker blond than it had been when we were in young. And I had hooked up with him once at a party at his parent’s place. I knew he got around a lot, so I wondered if he remembered being with me.
When his eyes turned into seductive slits and he bit his bottom lip, I had an idea he was remembering being with me. “How is it possible that you look even better now than when we were in high school?”
Now Molly was the one who slapped Casey on the upper arm. Casey turned to his date and said, “What? It’s the truth.”
Molly responded with a glare.
Casey turned back to face Brett and I. “So, Dude,” he said to Brett. “How do you know Anna?”
My head snapped toward Brett and I could see he was getting uncomfortable. If we hadn’t met in such an embarrassing way, the question would have been innocuous. I didn’t think he wanted to tell everyone that in an extremely drunken state, I seduced him and slept with him but didn’t remember it. That’s not exactly a story for the romance novels. And definitely not one you want to tell your grandchildren.
“We met at a wedding,” Brett said short, sweet and to the point.
Luckily, that seemed to appease Casey and he followed another train of thought. He turned to Vic and said, “Have you checked out the bar yet?”
When Vick shook his head, the two guys got up together and headed toward the bar. Paige turned to Molly and said, “Do you think they could ask us if we want anything to drink?”
“Rude,” Molly stated.
“I know, right,” Paige replied.
Brett rose and said, “I’d be happy to get both of you something to drink. What would you like?”
Paige and Molly smiled. “I’d like a glass of white wine,” Paige said.
“Make mine red,” Molly said.
Brett leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Can I get you anything?”
“I’m fine, thanks.” I had to smile, though. He was such a sweetheart.
Brett gave me another kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be right back.”
When Brett was gone, Molly looked at me and said, “I take back every nasty thing I said about his clown hair.”
I nodded.
“He’s super sweet,” Paige added.
That he is, I thought. I wondered if he had caught onto the fact that I had slept with both of the guys sitting at our table. He was a brilliant guy. I cringed at the thought that he most likely figured it out.
A few minutes later, Brett returned with the two glasses of wine for the other bridesmaids. They thanked him and he joined me again. I could see both of the girls looking around the reception hall for their dates. We seemed to all have spotted them at the same time. They were both standing over by the Champagne fountain, chatting up a buxom blonde, who I thought was one of the bride’s cousins from Denmark.
The girls both gave each other a disgusted look then they rose at the same time and marched in unison towards their dates. Brett and I watched them as if we were watching a movie unfold in front of us. The girls got on the opposite sides of their dates (the Danish cousin was standing in the middle between Vic and Casey). They both punched their dates in the arms. Their dates grabbed at their punched arms in unison. And then Paige and Molly grabbed them and dragged them away from the cousin from Denmark.
Moments later, all four were back at our table. Vic and Casey both sat there looking completely whipped. I had to grin.
Our table was silent until a waitress came to take our order. We had a choice between chicken and salmon. The four ordered chicken while Brett and I picked salmon.
As we ate dinner, the conversation turned to what we’d been doing since graduation. Paige was in graduate school to become a physical therapist, which I thought was pretty cool. Molly was working at a bank handling loans. Not as cool. Casey had joined two of his friends and started a lawn maintenance company. Didn’t need a college degree for that. Vic was working for a radio station selling ads. Like me, he had majored in communications, not the most marketable of majors. Once Brett said he was a rocket scientist and worked for NASA, everyone wanted to hear all about it and no one ever bothered to ask me what I was doing. Not that I minded. I hadn’t done anything worth mentioning anyway.
I loved listening to Brett talk about his work. He was so enthusiastic about it, his face completely lit up as he talked. He told stories about artificial intelligence and space exploration. Everyone at the table was completely enthralled.
It wasn’t long before it was time for the official toasts and then the first dance. Luckily, the maid of honor, the bride’s sister, was the only girl required to give a speech, so I was off the hook. Once the band starting playing some popular rock songs, everyone flocked to the dance floor.
“Like to dance?’ Brett asked.
I grinned. “What do you think?”
Brett grabbed my hand and pulled me up with him. “Come on. Dance with me.”
The DJ played Mumford & Sons “I Will Wait” and it seemed like the perfect song for our first dance. It could have been a soundtrack for our relationship. We’d both been waiting for each other but in different ways and for different reasons. Brett pulled me close. It wasn’t exactly a slow song but it didn’t matter. It felt like we were the only ones on the dance floor; the only ones in the reception hall for that matter.
We held each other and were lost in each other’s gaze. We danced like that for what seemed like ten songs. Fast or slow, it didn’t matter. Brett held me in his embrace—tight and close.
At some point, we both realized the dance floor had become packed with other wedding guests and they were doing the chicken dance. The silly song seemed to be a staple at weddings.
Brett leaned in and whispered in my ear. “Ready to go upstairs?”
He didn’t have to ask me twice. I had been ready for hours. As soon as I nodded, he pulled me off the dance floor.